It was very thoughtful of those working in quantum mechanics to name some quarks after my primary mental states: up, down, & strange. Those wee particles within the nucleus of an atom hold no real fascination for me otherwise. I’m not a particle physicist. No matter how many times I’ve read about quarks, I remember nothing more about them. Obviously, I’m way more into dark matter.

However, I do love that physicists freely admit that even they don’t fully understand quantum theory. The tiny pieces of matter play by their own rules, & those rules don’t correspond to our macro version. An experiment tried to pin those rules down by running probability tests, firing a laser through some slits. First they ran the test blind (unobserved). Then they watched as it ran. The results went wonky the 2nd time, like those photons knew they were being observed. Personally, I also get uncomfortable when being observed.  

It’s refreshing when even the experts say they don’t understand a thing. Frankly, I wish more people would just say ‘I don’t know.’ In this age of ubiquitous devices, now you’re more likely to receive TMI via some search engine/AI. Gone are the days when people would just banter on various theories without consulting anything. Imagination had greater play. It’s often more humorous to spitball rather than boast encyclopedic knowledge.

I’d like to circle back to this observer effect. Some physicists, albeit the more fringe, claim that human consciousness somehow influences the photons. Though I like this paranormal-y idea, it’s rather egotistical. If we’re going to go out on a limb with weird science, we might as well consider that the photons possess consciousness of their own. & perhaps they’re just fucking with us. This is way more appealing to my mind. We already have quantum entanglement in the mix. Why not accept the spooky notion that all matter is conscious?

Of course, how would we even begin to run a Turing test on, say, a neutrino? That would be an amazing interview, considering neutrinos pass through everything. What do they pick up on their travels? Surely they must have souvenirs.

It’s well-known in psychological circles that people’s behavior changes when they know they’re being watched. Just look at how social media has warped how we live our lives. Constant observation makes individuals less likely to know how to be themselves naturally. When all is theater, it becomes a disturbing movie of zoo people that I’d rather not see. It makes the quote ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ lose all meaning.

One night a dense fog smothered the city. A friend asked if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle. The idea sounded mad, so I said “Yes, please!”

Visibility was about the length of my arm, & sound was eerily muted. Once we got moving the only sensations were wind on my face & dim blobs of streetlights. Charting our whereabouts in my head, I got the sudden thrill of flying down the Denny Way overpass essentially blind. The ride was a labyrinth of white in the night.

Who takes a scenic drive when there’s nothing to see? This was like the craziest trust exercise ever. We were both relying on my friend’s sense of self-preservation. A deprivation chamber with movement through space. A sense of the surreal. No other motorcycle ride would top this one. It was enlightening to note what I could observe* when I literally couldn’t observe*.

*Observe also means ‘notice’ or ‘celebrate something,’ as well as ‘see.’

I wonder if the physicists observing the photons had any inkling of the photons observing them back? Kind of like the Nietzsche quote, only less abyss-y, with those undertones of evil.

My behavior when I was waiting tables once produced a strange observer effect upon me. There was a regular to The Sunlight Cafe who routinely got away with not paying for his food. This fact didn’t come to light until he accidentally got seated in my section one day.

His scam worked for him for some while. He’d come in, order something, & when it was brought to his table he’d complain that this wasn’t what he ordered, but that he didn’t have time to wait for something else to be prepared. Since the cafe had a policy of not making people pay for meals they claimed were the wrong order, he was allowed to continue to eat there without ever paying. It was insane, but it’s not like they posted his picture to deny him service. So this just went on.

Enter me: surly waitstaff, wishing the public would find somewhere else to get their repasts. 

Guy comes in. I take his order, completely unaware of his modus operandi. Then I bring him his food. He takes one look at it & starts his spiel about “This isn’t what I ordered.” I whipped the ticket book out of my apron & said confrontationally “Yes, it is.” I had already disliked his demeanor when I took his order; now I downright loathed him. 

He haughtily tried to stare me down. I then said “Fine,” & reached for the plate to take it away. Which led him to hastily make a grab for it while saying “I don’t have time to wait for another order; I’ll just eat this.” But my grip was stronger. I yanked it away from him. In my pique, I said “Here you go, then!” & tossed his food on the floor. Then I breezed out while the whole restaurant observed. I make excellent dramatic exits, truth be told.

He then moved from my section & ordered something from different waitstaff. But when he went to complain to the cashier, refusing to pay for what he ordered, he got another wrench in his works. My sister was currently cashiering, in between slicing up the cakes & pies. As he tried to skip out on his tab this time, she was adamant he had to pay. While innocently holding the cake knife. If he’d been savvy enough to see the family resemblance, perhaps he would’ve just cut his losses. But he was a stubborn criminal.

He left & brought back the police(!), claiming my sister had threatened him with a knife. When it came out that the guy had repeatedly dined sans paying for his meals, the cop turned to him & said “You didn’t tell me that part.” 

After the cop left without charging anybody with anything, the petty thief petulantly kicked the door of the cafe on his way out. I doubt he planned on being 86-ed that day. But he gambled, butting heads with the Vance sisters. The laws of probability confirm: he was never going to win.

P.S. No photons were harmed in the making of this story.